the drawbacks of technology/ashley is odorous

thatberger — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 06:17:23 +0000

good day my friends (or if you are ashley, good day my mortal enemy). today i would like to discuss with you one of the latest technological innovations that is supposedly going to make our lives easier. that technological innovation is NOT convection cooking. one time when me and bill lived over at duckesse, our old residence, i invested in a so called convection toaster oven, and it sucked ass. it broke like three weeks after we got it. and even though it sucked, bill is wrong that toaster ovens suck. i would like to chalk that failed toaster oven experiment up to random chance and the fact that god hates me because i associate with ashley.

the technology i truly would like to rant about today is similar to convection toaster ovens in its shittiness. that technology is in fact text messaging. while text messaging is supposed to be convenient, i find that this is not an advantage, and rather a draw back. call me larry david, but it makes it way too easy for people to invite me to their dinner parties. take this innocent example from an anonymous best friend of mine:

my friend, whose name is ashley hohn, is constantly fucking invited me over to house via text message for dinner. her cooking fucking sucks!!!! especially her lasagna!!! and with text messaging, it is way too easy for her to reach me at any point in the day. honestly, how does she even have so many prepaid minutes to constantly text me at all hours of the day? usually i have to tell her to fuck off (via text message of course). if text messaging didn’t exist, she wouldn’t be able to invite me to her shitty dinner parties. if she would just call me, i could ignore it before it rings to voicemail so she gets the goddamn hint.

i really feel for my anonymous best friend here. i mean, i have tried her lasagna and it is absolutely terrible, despite what draper says. and despite what popular media, such as textsfromlastnight.com, text messaging is not funny. it can be very frustrating to use text messaging when you are trying to have sex and the individual you are trying to have sex with is either taking forever to respond to your message or is not responding at all. and then you can’t call after the non-reply to the text message because you look desperate. which then requires you to be accompanied home later that evening by either a hooker or your right hand (no offense to the lefties out there).

and don’t even get me started on the parents constantly text messaging you. what’s with the fucking proper grammar in that shit, mom and dad? do you see me usin any cocksuckin capital letters in this post? no. if you do, time to get your prescription changed or new contacts, ya old fart. god, i can’t believe we’re gonna have to pay for like 60,000,000 people your age’s medicare ‘n shit. you people are old. and when you lose your teeth you fuckers are gonna eat all the jell-o thats out there. you think bill cosby is down with that shit? he’ll kill you. hope you can’t text us to complain that barack obama doesn’t cover that procedure, cause i’m gonna flush my iphone down the toilet if you.

in conclusion, you should probably block ashley hohn’s number from text messaging you for both her and your own good. she really needs to conserve those prepaid minutes and her money so she can get her ass to ho-chunk with me and bill. and trust me, you don’t wanna get suckered to an evening of shitty lasagna at her and zipper’s place. TRUST ME.

Team Hotplate!

jbbbyasswatiw — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:47:02 +0000

As the external contributor for Miss Ashley Hotplate Hohn i have been contracted to make the argument that Ashley is way cooler, right more often (not always right but always more than right than Jake) and all around more awesome than Jacob Bradley Biller Berger. Now, here is why all of the above is true. First and foremost the reason Hotplate is better than Jake is because she listens and usually agrees with me. Second reason is she… well she…. man, I got nothing. Really all that matters is that Ashley is awesome and Jake is not awesome. Let them fight it out and I’ll cheer hotplate on. Team Hotplate!

jbbbyasswatiw — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 06:43:37 +0000

jacobbradleybillerbergeryouaresosowrongandthisiswhy.com is an awesome, hilarious and entirely necessary website featuring the literary stylings of:

Ashley Hohn, founder

Jake Berger, best friend/nemesis

Lindsey Betty, external contributor

Scrapes Turner, external contributor

Jefferson Majeski, turncoat (hasn’t even heard of the 13th amendment)

Jacob Bradley Biller Berger, you are so, so wrong, and this is why.

the drawbacks of technology/ashley is odorous

Team Hotplate!